Tuesday Tuesday

1.  When I think of Spring I always think of the smell of fresh cut grass and flowers… it makes me so happy when I open the car window and that’s all I can smell.  Mmmm…. Spring makes me feel renewed…

2.  I got my new toy – the Garmin 405 – and used it for the first time yesterday.  I LOVE it!!  It is definitely going to be a good tool. Now that I have all of my toys – I have zero excuse…

3.  So yes, I went running yesterday.  It was difficult.  There are a ton of hills nearby.  I can’t run anywhere from home without a crap ton of hills.  I went for just over 3 miles – nothing spectacular.  My pace was dismal.  HOWEVER… I am not really sore today!  I’m calling that a win.  My goal for this week?  Get out 4 times and run!  Like Beth says at her blog, I need to… Shut Up And Run!!

4.  I know it’s been a lot of running talk but I think it’s because I need to psych myself up.   But here’s a funny little running related fact about me:  I HAVE to brush my teeth before I run.  Is that strange?

5.  This next year is going to be full of travel for me.  I’m becoming more active in one of my professional associations and that will have me going to conferences all over the country.  Work has some stuff coming up which will also have me traveling.  This is really exciting because I’ll get to go to some cool places I’ve never been to before.  It also has me going to some places I’ve been – like CHICAGO!  Yay!

6.  Mother’s Day is coming up this Sunday – what are you getting your mom?

Some Running Thoughts

I ran today for about 3 miles.  It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t great.  The humidity was RIDICULOUS and it was hot.  So, I kind of sucked.  But I did it.  It got me to thinking about some of my running quirks and other random running thoughts I have…

1.  I hate when the earphone cord moves around as I run.  I put it through my sports bra and try to keep it from flapping around.

2.  I HAVE to wear my hair back with a fabric headband thing.  I also have to spray it with a ton of hairspray.  I’m really not a fan of hair flying in my face.

3.   Sometimes I’m a bandwagon runner… I don’t like the cold weather.  At. All.  Now that it’s gotten nicer, I’m likely to run more.

4.  Often I yawn while running… a lot.  It’s strange.  And it doesn’t stop.

5.  Running without music is just not an option for me.  I need to have my iPod with me.  HOWEVER, I have never ever made a playlist.  It makes me anxious because then I’d feel like it needs to be perfect.  So, instead, I run and get amped up to Linkin Park only to be shocked into submission by Phil Collins… agh!

6.  Everyone says running (exercise in general) gives you endorphins.  I’ll agree with that.  But I get something else too… DUMB AS SHIT.  I can’t do anything for the following like hour that requires brain power.  This is one reason why I don’t run before work…. who am I kidding?  I don’t run before work because it would require me to wake up earlier… ha!

Quick but I’m still here!

This is just a quickie so you don’t think I left you all again…

1.  I finally got into a groove of running (ok I ran twice in 1 week and once was even during lunch!) and I looooost my iPod!! See what happens when you do a good thing?  I go running during lunch and then end up without an iPod… argh!

2.  I jumped into action quickly… ebay is my friend!  I got a used one that works just the same for $80! Yay! I also won a Garmin Forerunner 405 for $180!! I’m going to be all geared up.

3.  Do you make play lists?   I’ve never been big on them.  What’s on your workout play list?  I’m sick of skipping past the slow sad songs to find the energy ones.  So… give me some good suggestions please!!

4.  I gave the cat a bath for the first time since having him (5 years?).  Poor thing.  He looked like a drowned rat.  BUT he’s so fluffy and soft now.  He did the funniest thing after his bath.  I had semi-dried him.  He went to go onto his cat condo, sat there about to jump up, looked at it, looked at me and then looked back at it.  There’s old catnip in there.  I put a towel down on it and he jumped right in.  How funny?!  He didn’t want to get dirty again… hahahah

5.  Work has been pretty busy.  It’s good to feel like I’m accomplishing things.  There’s a lot of potentially exciting stuff coming up with different areas of my career.  I can’t wait to see what happens!

The Burden I Bear…

I woke up one morning when I was 8 and my Dad wasn’t home.  He and my mom were divorced at the time.  Oddly enough, he was the one with custody.  My mom has always been slightly abnormal when it comes to the “being a mom” concept.  That April morning in 1989 was so bizarre.  Dad wasn’t home.  Two of his work buddies were in our living room.  My sister was still asleep.  She was 5.

My Dad was a maintenance supervisor at the apartment complex where we lived.  It wasn’t completely out of the ordinary for either of these guys to be sitting at the apartment with my Dad off fixing someone’s broken window or something.  When I asked where he was on that particular morning I was told that he was “out on a call.”  OK then…

Within minutes I was being told to pack a bag for my sister and I.  We were going to spend a night or two with my aunt.  Alright… off to pack up a bag of stuff for sister and I.  My uncle shows up with his big box van and we hang out on our sleeping bags in the back.

What I remember then is that we spent some time at my aunts and people were really attentive.  We thought we were there just to play with my cousin.  Everyone was acting a bit odd but in my family that’s really nothing new.

Then my mom showed up.

Besides the fact that my mom has never liked this side of the family, why would she be coming to get us for a bit from my aunt’s house?  It wasn’t her day.  Strange.

The next 30 minutes changed my life.  She took us to a pond area.  Somewhere pretty.  She had to talk to us.  Something had happened.  Something with Dad.  He was dead.  He wouldn’t be coming home.  We wouldn’t be able to see him anymore. He was… gone… I couldn’t believe it.  I couldn’t stop crying.  Dead?  That’s what happened to the stupid hamster you bought me a year or two ago.  I remember, Dad buried it in the long driveway.  Would we bury Dad in the long driveway?  But…. but…

Soon after telling us, mom brought us back to my aunt’s house.  (I told you she didn’t really understand the whole “being a mom” concept)  Sis walked up to my aunt: “My Dad’s dead!” – innocent, matter of fact, not sad.  She was 5.  What did she know?  She had no idea what “dead” meant.

I, on the other hand, understood.  In fact, I had wished for it.  This was all my fault.  I was the reason he was dead.  All because I was a brat and wanted to take my radio outside and he got mad at me.  He didn’t want it breaking.  I wasn’t allowed to take it outside.  And I told him I hated him.  How could I have said that?  Oh my god, this was all my fault.  How could I tell him I wished he would just die.    Why oh why did I say that?  Why did I have to fight with him?  Why couldn’t I have just behave.  If only I behaved he would still be alive.  This was all my fault. This was all my fault….

I cried and cried to my aunt about all of that.  It had to be my fault because I said it.  And then it happened.  The same day.

I don’t remember sleeping.  I don’t remember eating.  I barely remember talking.  I remember sitting in my uncles lap all curled up.  I remember crying and crying.  I remember people being nice.  Asking if I was OK.  Trying to get me to eat.  Trying to get me to play.  Trying to get my mom to allow us to go to his wake.  Arguing with my mom because she didn’t want us at the funeral either.  We were moved to my Nana’s house.  Would we ever see our own beds again?  What about all of our stuff? What about school?

Where was my mom?

It was decided among my Dad’s family that Sis and I should get the chance to see Dad before they buried him.  We needed to have the chance to say goodbye.  First, they needed to explain what happened.  He had a brain aneurysm.  What?  A vein in his brain popped.  He wasn’t in pain.  He had been watching TV with his girlfriend.  He passed out.  She just thought he was tired.  Then she realized that he wasn’t asleep and that something was wrong.  She called 911.  (How didn’t I hear the ambulance?  How did I sleep through my Dad dying? )  There were complications during the ambulance ride.  They had to pull over.  When they got to the hospital he was put on life support.  He had no brain activity.  We were told he was a “hero,” though.  He was an organ donor.  Because of that his eyes might look weird.  They had donated his eyes.  The lids were sewn shut.

So there we were… 5 and 8… looking at our Dad… in a coffin… with his eyes sewn shut.  And everyone… everyone was looking at us.  Granted, it was just our family at that point, but I could feel their eyes on us.  Watching.  Waiting.  For what?

We didn’t get to go to the funeral.  A huge fight ensued over the fact that we saw him at all.  My mother in all of her infinite wisdom didn’t think we should be at either the viewing or funeral.  Because, really, who needs to say goodbye to their dad when they die anyway…

And through it all… the one thought I had… was … It’s my fault… It’s all my fault…

 

4/8/89 – I love you Dad.

Just Wednesday Ramblings

1.  Today I was googling info on cleanses.  I’ve never really thought they were a good idea but I’m determined to get back to my “me” size and a cleanse seems like a good way.  10 seconds after I finish I had the thought “I can’t wait to eat my leftovers at home.”  Let me explain what my leftovers were:  risotto with gravy steak tips on top.  AMAZING.  Health? No.   This, my friends, is what I call irony.  (and yes, I immediately ate it when I came home)

Seriously, though – anyone have a suggestion on a cleanse that doesn’t cost hundreds?

 

2.  I’ve also been searching for different items to use when running – a gps watch, compression apparel?… I dunno.  I love to purchase the stuff in the hopes that I’ll use it.  I really do think a gps watch will be helpful though so I can track my runs better.  Does anyone have suggestions on those?  Anyone?

 

3.  Am I too old to be watching shows on the CW?

 

4.  The City of Boston decided today that it would allow mixed drinks to be served at Fenway Park.  Wait a second, you mean you’re going to allow not just beer but hard alcohol to be served at those games!?  Sweet.  Now people will get a better idea of why we’re nicknamed “Massholes.”  I can’t wait to see how well this works out…

 

5.  Speaking of the Red Sox… home opener is Friday!  I’m not going, and so far we’ve lost every game, but I like the idea that summer is almost here!  I’m just hoping mother nature takes the hint.

 

Blog, Skype Sex, Death and Engagement party

1.  Randomesq gave me quite a little talking to today. OK, not really.  It went something like this…

RE: You need to get back to blogging

Me: I know. I’m trying, did you see my post?

RE: Yeah-  just get on it, you’re still on my blogroll. I obviously don’t want to be taking up precious space on RE’s blog…

That said… I’m here and I’m going to tryyyyy to post more.

 

2.  Accountant is away for a week so that he can do that winter sporting type stuff (aka snowboarding) out West.  At first I was highly annoyed because I barely see him lately due to busy season.  We live together and I’ll go all week without seeing him awake.  So when he decided on this trip I was pissed.  Today?  Today I’m OK with it.  I get to take over the entire bed and there’s no one to judge my really bad TV habits.   I did get the thought yesterday that we should Skype.  However apparently his firm doesn’t allow them to download Skype on their laptops… so, no Skype sex.  Boooo.

 

3.  The 22nd anniversary of my dad’s death is Friday.  It freaks me out to know that I’m almost the age that he was when he passed away.   The things that I want seem so far away still… marriage, a home (not just an apt), babies… and I worry that I won’t ever get those because maybe I’ll die too… it’s morbid, I know.  It makes me a tad crazy lately.

 

4.  Speaking of marriage.  I had the following conversation with Accountant the other day:

Me: I want to throw an engagement party

Account: Uh… why?…

Me: Because it’ll be fun and all of our friends and family will be there… oh, and I love you.

Accountant:  Yeah…uh… don’t you have to be engaged first?

Me: Yup!

Accountant: …. all….righty… then… *blank stare*

Who ever said I don’t communicate my wants and needs clearly?!

Where does the time go?

I started this blog about 4 years ago and I’ve basically dropped off the face of the earth in the last year and a half. I’ve realized how much I miss writing. It used to help. It also makes me feel more accountable when I say I’m going to do something. So, I’m going to try to get back into this. And I’m going to write more about my running/working out because I NEED to feel accountable. Please stick with me here, kids. I want to do better. I want to be better.

Starting Over…

I’m in the process of starting over with this blog. It’s been too long since I last wrote and I miss writing. I, however, do not want most of my previous posts public, so I’m making them private. I’m sorry to those of you who have been readers in the past. Most of the entries about my previous quasi-relationship are becoming “private.” I’m also changing up the theme and layout. You’ll see more changes and new posts soon. Hang tight. I’m coming back and with a vengeance! 😉

Worst. Week. Ever.

1. I believe I have just experienced one of the worst weeks in history. Needless to say… my wine consumption is up and my desire to be nice is down. It all began last Monday…

 

2. The Bean town area was raining so much that I thought I needed a boat. Seriously was contemplating a Noah’s Ark type boat… anyway… stopped at a red light… BAM! I get hit from behind! Oddly, I remain calm and even kind when I speak with the guy after. I guess it helps knowing that I was completely not at fault. Regardless I was kind of in shock and felt pretty dazed all night. That was Monday.

 

3. Thursday was beautiful outside, the complete opposite of Monday… until I got a phone call from my landlord that the apartment had been broken into… in the middle of the day! WTF

 

4. I can’t explain how angry I was… and once again dazed… until I realized exactly what they took. They took the one thing that I treasured more than anything – the engagement ring my dad gave my mom. He died when I was 8. It was the last thing of his I had. It’s quite similar to him dying all over again. I’ve had to go through the grieving process once more.

 

5. Then my birthday was Monday. Accountant did the best he could … it’s hard dealing with me right now I think. He doesn’t understand. His parents are even still married! (To me, this is amazing) I will say though, he is the best man I’ve ever known and I am so happy to have him in my life.

 

6. And so now… I try and calm the moods and get through this.

The quick and dirty…

1. Work has been all over the place lately. It’s busy and crazy most days. I feel like I am constantly trying to fix issues that could have been prevented had the proper person been involved to start. So, I guess you can say, I’m finally beginning to feel like a real lawyer! It feels nice.

2. The two big drawbacks to the new job? a) I can’t work more shifts to make more money … I’ve been dealing with money issues forever, so this is nothing new. I am attempting to work through it. Accountant is working with me on this. I’m going through credit counseling and trying to keep a budget… I’m not spending money unnecessarily. So, I’m working on it. I’m a work in progress. I think I’m getting there though… slowly… We’re being very frugal about food and stuff like that. What are your frugal tips?

3. b) I’ve gained weight. If you saw me you’d punch me for even making the comment. I’m a small girl. I always have been. I’ve never really gained much weight except for my freshman year of college where I was maybe 105 before I started and popped up to 115. I know I sound like a brat… but it’s happened again and I’m freaking out for the first time in my adult life over my body image. I work until like 7 or 8 each night and by the time I’m home (I use that word loosely as I’m usually at Accountant’s during the week), I’m exhausted and hungry. Since the marathon I have not run or worked out all that much and not constantly moving like I was when waitressing. I have a wedding this coming weekend and dresses don’t fit. My pants are not fitting me correctly, some not at all. This is bad. Suggestions on keeping motivated or getting the energy back?

4. I’m watching Grey’s from the start again today and I’m remembering just why I love this show so much. I’m also seeing a lot of myself in Meredith, yet again. I’m kind of dark and twisty like her. I have spots of sunshine and happiness too but they aren’t nearly as often as I’d wish… oh well… we deal with what we are and what we have right? Right?!