Work, Dreams, Hockey Player, Apprehension, And Unofficial May 12, 2008

1. I have been MIA… sorry. The thing is, I probably just worked a 70 hour week… AT A RESTAURANT. Most of those hours came between Wednesday and yesterday, though. So, I have not had a chance to write. I will try and be better at that in the future.

 

2. Sometimes I have strange dreams. Ofttimes I can remember them. Last night I had a weird lesbian dream. I have no idea where that came from. THEN I had a dream about Hockey Player.

 

3. Now that I think of it, I have not written about Hockey Player. Let’s just say that he and I had a “thing” for a while in college and during Athletic Trainer and I’s first year. HP is a year or 2 younger than me and gorgeous. He’s a pretty nice kid too. Anyway, there was a massive blowout when he found out about AT and I. This was due in part to the fact that AT had worked on HP many times. HP KNOWS AT. He was ridiculously upset and caused a riff between AT and I for some time too. So… HP has been in my head lately. He got engaged in January (maybe December?) to the girl he had been dating on and off in college (he and I = during off times). I hardly ever think about him but I have been a LOT in the last couple of weeks. During the dream, he and his now fiancee were at my restaurant, and I had to walk past them like a million times. I was trying to ignore them (they were not my table) and not make eye contact. HP’s fiancee at one point called me over and basically just made a fool of me. I could not make a scene so I just walked away. I felt embarrassed, humiliated and jealous as all get out. I did not enjoy this dream. HP looked sexy as ever though… semi-pro hockey must be doing that boy some good.

 

3. Speaking of HP and his fiancee, having moved to Boston, I am now concerned that I will run into them or any one of the other people from college with whom I do not have a good relationship. There are quite a few people who I don’t like and vice versa from that era in my life. Most live around Boston. I can only imagine a night out drunk and bumping into someone at a bar. Ugh. Why this matters? Not sure. I get that same feeling when Unofficial and I go out and we’re in an area AT might be. I cannot even begin to fathom the awkwardness of that. I hope it never happens. I am not sure how I would react either. In fact, the thought of this chance encounter makes me ill.

 

4. After this past week of work, I’m burned out even more than I have been in the past. I took tomorrow night off for Irish Teacher’s birthday dinner. I have told Unofficial that I have tomorrow off. We only spoke for a few minutes over the last couple of days due to my crazy schedule. When we speak later I expect that he may try and make plans for either tonight or tomorrow. My response to a tomorrow night plan shall be “Oh.. I have a umm dinner… ” and if he asks with who “A… friend…” There will be not other details given to him. I know, shady… but that’s what he gets. Haha. He’s still seeing someone else (not as regularly or frequently as me and they definitely have not had “the talk” so it seems to be more casual than he and I) so let’s see how he feels about the possibility of me dating others.

 

5. Funny, though, because I took Friday night off as well. Friday’s have not been good at the restaurant so I felt pretty OK giving that shift to someone else. Unofficial is aware of my night off and I am pretty sure we’re going to make it a date night. We haven’t had a regular weekend night to go out in a long time. I think it will be fun!

 

Tired Ramblings On A Tuesday Night… April 29, 2008

1. I like all of the attention I’m getting on here lately. Today (Tuesday) I had over 400 hits!! Seriously!? That’s pretty f’in cool. Granted, I’m sure this will all end once the MA bar results are out and everyone isn’t googling for their sanity. Whatever. I’ll take what I can get! Hopefully some of these new readers stick around.

 

2. The email that I sent to Unofficial earlier was responded to via voicemail. I was at work when he called, and he was just calling to say “Hi” and he apologized for not calling and then said twice to give him “a ring.” It’s funny to me that he apologized for not calling. I just saw him yesterday morning. We rarely talk every day. And twice telling me to call him is cute too. We spoke a bit ago and it was just like “how was your day… etc” chat but nice and I gave him advice on something he’s doing tomorrow and helped him to figure out that he doesn’t have jury duty. He was quite grateful. I think… *think*… that we are definitely progressing. Maybe this means that my being scared is all for naught and that he’s getting there sooner than I thought. I don’t want to get my hopes up though. We talked about doing something either Sunday or Monday (my nights off) and then I said if he wanted to come over after work to let me know. I also told him that I was going to try and give him more space so I don’t distract him from work. He didn’t sound as though he liked that idea. I enjoyed hearing that.

 

3. I’m feeling less and less into Work Crush lately. He kind of bores me now. All this build up and then nothing happens. It’s not worth the effort and, quite frankly, I wouldn’t give up what I have with Unofficial right now for anyone.

 

4. The past week I’ve been up pretty early each day. OK, early for me… so like 9ish. This was mostly due to the move. Today I slept in until 11:00. It was like heaven. AND, I could easily have gotten up earlier but forced myself to sleep a little more knowing how deprived I’ve been. I *think* I may have myself on a normal person sleep schedule almost! This would be great.

 

5. I told Unofficial about how there’s an epidemic at my work. Everyone is getting pregnant. (OK, like 3 people, but still…) He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You’re on the pill, right?” I laughed. He looked so scared. We both take the precautions necessary for me to not get pregnant, it was funny that he was worried for a second. After I laughed I said something like “Please, it wouldn’t happen don’t worry.” His response, “Fucking knock on something wood!” HAHA. I like him. A lot.

 

Comcast, First Night Alone, Unpacking, Email Booty Call, Cupcakes and Suspense April 29, 2008

1. The comcast dude came by yesterday morning to install our cable and internet. He had to go into the basement to drill some holes in order for us to get tv in our bedrooms. This meant that he had to go out my back door and down the creepy stairs that I’ve never been down. When he was finished, he said that he had locked the door. Do you think he really did? No. Jerk. I realized this at 3 a.m. when I got freaked out by some noises and went to check all the doors. I should complain.

 

2. Speaking of my first night alone in the new place… it was creepy. The apartment is pretty large so with just me it feels kind of scary. I kept hearing noises as different points in the evening and it was freaking me out. Guess what the noise was. Rain. Yup. Rain hitting my windows. I think I need to start taking Adivan before bed. Simon doesn’t help matters because he causes a ruckus all over the place too.

 

3. I got a lot of my unpacking done yesterday. There’s still a whole bunch left to do. I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would be put away. Let’s try it now. *SNAP* Nope, boxes still everywhere. Damn it.

 

4. Unofficial got an email from me today. He has yet to respond. Basically it said that I know he’s going to be super busy with work and I don’t want to pester him at all. So, if he wants to come over after I get out of work any time this week he should text me or something when he so desires. I said that I won’t be texting him as I usually would when bored at work because of how busy he is. It puts the ball in his court and makes it seem like I’m doing it for his benefit. Really, I’m doing it so that I can see how long he can go without seeing me. Stupid games.

 

5. I think I am going to make cupcakes sometime this week. Maybe I’ll do that on Friday so that when Roomie gets here on Saturday she has something to munch on. I’m going to be a fantastic roommate, much like how amazing I am at being an almost-girlfriend. Hahah.

 

6. There is something I want to talk about on here… but I can’t yet… ugh. Soon. It’s big though. And when I can talk about it… believe you me there will be quite the entry!

Real Life “The Bachelor?” April 28, 2008

I was watching TV this evening, trying to decompress from all the unpacking I did, and I flip over to “The Bachelor.” Let it be known that I have yet to see an episode of this season’s nonsense. There was nothing else that looked remotely interesting so I decided to see what this season’s crew is all about.

 

Surprisingly, the season is almost over and there were just 3 (now 2) ladies left. I’m not even going to get into the whole British accent thing… it drives me nuts and not in a good way. Anywho… one of the girls was having a hard time opening up to the Bachelor guy. She made some very interesting comment though when speaking to the camera. Her trouble opening up to him and being able to have a good time with him was due to the fact that there are other women in his life. She stated that she was torn between her feelings regarding him being with other women and the potential of her getting hurt which arises from that situation and her genuine desire to want to be with him and have a great time.

 

She said something along the lines of “Am I going to give up being with this man who I really care for and potentially love just because of these other women right now?”

 

I kind of just sat there and thought. First of all, WOW. Something that I can relate to from “The Bachelor?!” Seriously!? Secondly, shit. That is exactly how I feel. EXACTLY. I HATE the situation and the fact that he is dating other people still (or last I knew was). However, what I hate more is what the situation does to me and how I sometimes act with him. I try and be the same as I always have been: lovable, kind, sweet, fun and a little sassy (and a whole lot of sexy). At times, though, I feel myself pulling away a bit and getting quiet or distant. I’m suspicious of him and his feelings for me because of his need to see others right now.

 

I find it hard to trust in what we have even though I try as hard as possible to be so confident and OK with things. I tell people “I’m not worried because he’s not going to find anyone else as cool as I am, as fun as I am, intelligent and just overall gets along with him as well as I do.” I also don’t think he’ll ever find someone he has as much chemistry with, or who his parents will like as much. Unfortunately, I’m not really 100% on all of that. I mean, I’m at about 82%.

 

My feelings have started to get real. I’m not quite at the “I’m in love with you” stage but I think I’m definitely headed down that path. I find myself thinking very long term and envisioning things that could be with us. It’s been a ridiculously long time since that has happened with me. Athletic Trainer and I never had a shot at long term, so those thoughts never really came up. I could never imagine AT meeting my family or hanging out with my friends. Unofficial is a completely different story.

 

For some reason this is all kind of hitting me today. Well, last night while trying to sleep and today. And it’s really scary. REALLY. SCARY. I might need to pull back a little I think. Luckily, he has a very busy couple of weeks ahead so that might be the default with us anyway. I just… I feel myself getting pulled in deeper and deeper. There are always questions in my head about where he is with all of this and I know he’s not there yet. He cares about me a lot, I know that much. But I think I need to try and not see him much for the next little bit. Pull away from the texting and calling too. I’m finding myself on shaky ground here and I need some assurance from him and this is really the only way to get that right now. See how he responds to me not being so accessible. I hate games. I’m looking at this more like self preservation.

 

Ugh. All of the self doubt just kills me. It’s the feelings that are getting stronger that is really starting to freak me out at the moment. I mean, I knew it would probably happen, I guess I was hoping they wouldn’t come on until he had “gotten there.”

 

I’m gong to need a lot of strength to do this…

Protected: Best Friend… New Love? November 29, 2007

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What Would Be Said At Your Funeral? November 29, 2007

I am an avid fan of General Hospital. Today was the funeral for “Emily Quartermaine.” Her best friend stood up and gave the eulogy and said some amazing things about her. It got me to thinking about who would speak at mine, and what would be said.

 

It’s morbid, I know… however I’ve been fascinated/scared about so many things surrounding death. There are times that I start thinking about death and I freak out. You know how you have that little voice in your head… well your inner monologue… the thoughts you have inwardly… right? Ok, well I get concerned about what happens to those when I die. Silly? Sure. But those are the things that freak me out. I will seriously start hyperventilating, crying… everything. It’s bad.

 

What happens though? And what would people say about me. I think that it’s something to be considered. How would I want people to remember me? Do I live the way I’d like people to be talking about when I die?

 

I try to change the way I live every so often. In my attempts I will go to the gym more, try and swear less, play with Simon more often etc etc. Many times, things don’t catch on and I revert. I go through periods of time when I won’t drink a lot. Then I go back and drink all the time. When I start thinking about what people will say when I die, I wonder if I should change the way I live. Like, maybe I’m not really living life in a good manner. I don’t know… if this makes sense to anyone I’ll be surprised.

 

So… what would be said about you at your funeral? Does it make you think of changing the way you live?