Guess Who’s “On The Wagon” For Now… August 29, 2008

1. Yup. <—This girl! Last Friday Rock Star and I got out of work so early that we decided to make it into a “real” Friday night. She came over. We ate leftovers, drank a bottle and a half of wine and then decided to go out. We met Mrs. Gump and her sister and some of their friends at a bar downtown. It was a great time all around. And a drunk time. Little snippits: Me trying to pick up the petty cab driver we were walking past. Us trying to get a cab to no avail so we split up, I grabbed one and we drove to her so she could hop in. Me not being able to find my keys. ANYWHERE. I am no longer drinking a lot. At all.

 

2. The keys were left in the first cab to the bar. Lovely. It took about 20 phone calls and 3 days to get them back. I’m just REALLY happy I got them back. I have all of my “rewards” cards for the stores and I don’t want to start over with them. Haha. Plus, my gym thing is on there. Oh yeah… and the keys. Haha. We’ve now made numerous extra sets of house keys in case this happens again.

 

3. Don’t be mad…. I called Unofficial on Monday. We chatted briefly. It was distant on both our parts and slightly strained. We’ve spoken once or twice since then and there’s a weirdness because we’re both on eggshells I guess. The plan right now is to keep chatting and when our schedules match up to get together and talk. Whatever. I’m too tired to really care right now.

 

4. Why am I so tired? Because I’ve already worked a ridiculous amount of hours this week and my week JUST started basically. I can’t wait for Sunday night when I clock out to see how many hours I worked.

 

5. Speaking of work… I got an interesting call yesterday. It was from a woman at the legal staffing place I went to LAST summer after (? or before?) the bar exam. I interviewed with this guy who seemed to take a liking to me. The problem was, though, I wasn’t barred yet. So… I updated my info with him when I did pass and then again when sworn in. His colleague called me saying he had given her my info for a project that has just come their way. It’s a document review, 6-8 week thing. Pay is at $30/hr. She asked if I wanted my info submitted and I said “YES!!!” So… we’ll see. I’m hoping I get it. Without doing overtime (and rumor has it they almost always want you to do overtime for these things…) I’d be bringing home (after taxes) about $900/wk. This would help immensely with the hole I’m in. Also, I could still work a shift or function or two on the weekends at the restaurant. It will probably kill me, but that’s OK. I need to take care of finances STAT. So, keep your fingers crossed. Kristina (Wicked), if you’re back from your honeymoon, can you email me. I want to ask you about the staffing place and the potential job since you’ve done it in this area already.

 

6. Off to work. Double number 2 in a row. I have 2 more. Fun fun.

Thinking Of A Title Hurts My Head August 22, 2008

1. I finally broke down and joined a gym today. Now, I’m not so sure how I’m going to afford this gym, but whatever. I made the decision because I definitely need to do strength training along with running for the marathon. Also, this particular gym has a membership perk of being able to use other franchise locations for free. So, I joined the one in DOT and can use the one in Weymouth (which is close to work) as much as I want. I said to Audrey Hepburn today that this means during doubles, if I get done with lunch early I can run and then shower at the gym. She is a member at this gym as well. Her response was “I’ll just give you a key to my place so you can shower there instead of scary gym showers.” She’s silly. Regardless, it’s $20/month with unlimited tanning as well. I know, I know… tanning = bad. Oh well. I like it. Plus, if it motivates me to go to the gym, yay!

2. I had a party tonight that I’ve served before. It’s this fun couple who are real nice. She’s actually a career services person for Harvard law. She’s emailed me back and forth a few times regarding my career search. Tonight she told me I NEED to call her Monday so she can put me in contact with some people. She also said that everything should change in the next 2 months if I put the work in to a get a position. Let’s hope she’s right…

 

3. Unofficial’s older sister was in the restaurant tonight. She was in the bar area but I saw her as she was walking in from outside where she was on her cell. I thought it was her and went over to the table and asked if it was her. She didn’t recognize me at first and I was like “Snarky, Unofficial’s…” and she interrupted with “Oh yes Hi!!” We didn’t talk about him at all. She introduced me to her friend (who happens to be a non practicing attorney). I asked his sister all the good questions “How’s the hubby?” “How are the itty bitties” “How are you” “How’s the rest of the fam?” etc etc. She asked me about the job search. Her friend said she might have some contacts. His sister said “Oh, well I’ll get your number from Unofficial and call you to put you and Friend in contact.” I went off to my tables. I bought them a round of drinks. She’ll be seeing him at family stuff this weekend so I’m sure my name will be brought up by her “Oh, I saw Snarky at the Restaurant and she bought us a round of drinks…” type thing. I know I looked fantastic tonight because MANY of my coworkers made comments. So… yeah… He’ll be calling in the next day or so again.

 

3. BUT it was SOOOO hard not to text or call him and tell him she was there. ARGH! It makes sense. The day after he calls me and I’m being strong not to call him back she has to show up. I bet tomorrow his dad comes in. Christ. I’m really not sure how long I’ll be able to do this for. I’m hoping I can stick it out. BUT I’m worried about the next week. I’m worried about him contacting me and how it sounds. I’m trying. I really am. And I know it’s for a good reason that I’m doing this. I just miss him so much. Seeing his sister made me miss him more. She has the same piercing blue eyes. And she’s so sweet and kind. She’s very much like her mom. Ugh. … why won’t this man just marry me… argh

 

4. One of my regulars was in tonight with a very good looking man. My regular (male) is hilarious and likes to give me shit. I throw it right back. He always sits at the bar. This co-worker was new for him to bring in and he was hot. I swear he looked and acted like he was in his early 30’s maybe late 20’s. NOPE. 23. I saw the I.D. I almost died. Such a baby. I flirted. And we chatted a bit. However, he did not ask for my number nor did he give me his card. I feel like it’s not worth my time if he can’t put in that much effort. Right? I refuse to chase anymore. They can all chase me now. Look at this new found strength… WOW.

 

5. Audrey Hepburn was talking about wedding stuff today. I can honestly say I am SOOO excited for that wedding!! Yay!! Rockstar’s birthday is on Monday and I’m pretty pumped about that too. I love that we have this little triangle of friends thing. We’re all so perfect for each other. They’ve both been a huge help with this Unofficial thing.

Quickie August 21, 2008

1. So NH was a good time. I was super excited to see Care Bear and the guys. It was definitely a little “off” though. The person who’s place it was chose to be a tad more anal than we expected which made most feel uncomfortable. Due to that, and her recent move, I think Care Bear wasn’t so into it. Next visit is just me to her or her to me. None of this other people’s place crap. We had a good time overall I think though. I love NH especially on the lake. It was so nice. I felt the most calm I have in a while. It was definitely a great idea to get away. Once it was over, though, I was exhausted. It’s hard not to have ANY time to yourself. I’m glad I got to see the boys and spend time with Care Bear though. I miss her to pieces.

 

2. In the last day or so I’ve gotten 2 responses from resumes I’ve sent. Both in the negative but yet very positive. In fact, one even suggested I call someone at their brokerage firm about positions. Strange. Maybe rejection letters in MA are nicer these days…

 

3. Unofficial called me today. He called while I was at work. The message was very generic: “Snarky. Unofficial. Hi. How are you? I know I haven’t talked to you in a while. Just calling to see how you are and to uh catch up. So if you want call me.” Really?! REALLY!?!?! That’s it?! It’s been 9 days and THAT’S the message you leave!? So… the 30 days rule is still in affect and I have not responded. How long until you think he calls/texts/emails again?? Let’s make some bets here…

 

4. I’m tired. This stuff with Unofficial has made me very tired. Well, that and I’m working a ton. But I know a lot of it is due to my reaction to the Unofficial stuff. I was so angry yesterday that he still hadn’t called. I know, I know… if you’re not going to respond, why does it matter? WELL… HE doesn’t KNOW that I’m not responding to him… so……… he should be calling like normal. Haha. So dumb. I have 21 more days of this. I’m not feeling very strong. I mean, I don’t plan on calling right now or anything, I’m just not sure how many more times of him calling I’ll be able to handle without communicating with him….

 

I Promise… August 19, 2008

A real update soon. I’ve been super busy with work and going away to NH. Just a quick glimpse: No communication from Unofficial. None from me to him either. It’s weird. NH was fun. And I’m off to work now… more later!

Tuesday 8/12 – 2:51 A.M. August 12, 2008

*This is a pre-written post – I’ll add updates in brackets*

 

1. I’m still not feeling tired. No matter what time I go to bed, I will be up at 9:30 a.m. I need to do laundry BAD. I wish it were a 24-hr one, I would go now. [I did not fall asleep until after 6 am. I got a couple hours of bad sleep after that. There was no getting up. I wore febreezed work clothes to work today. argh]

 

2. This post, and the last, may sound odd because I’m actually writing them out on a legal pad while in bed. The computer screen (so I hear) does not help one fall asleep. Plus, if I am on the computer I will start playing games or doing stupid stuff that keeps me up even later. Most of my problem with sleeping is all the thoughts in my head. Doctors suggest keeping a pad of paper by your bed to write these thoughts. They also say to write out your dreams that you remember when you wake up. I think I’ll do that too. But anyway, these posts have been written way before they were posted and then I transcribed them. Hence the time differential. Ha.

 

3. So… yeah… I’m going to try and do only healthy things for myself during this craziness. This includes no drinking for at least 2 weeks. The one exception will be this weekend when I’m in NH with Kerry and solely because she will take control of my phone and hide it on me.

 

4. I will force myself into a morning person if it kills me. This will make me fall asleep quicker at night which is really what I need right now.

 

5. I pretty much gave up the whole Bay State Marathon thing. My training has been nonexistent. I may see if I can switch to the half instead. HOWEVER… I WILL run a full – so maybe…. I’m just thinking here… no promises… maybe…. I’ll sign up for the Philly. It’s November 23rd and based on a 16 week training schedule I am only a week behind (which is nothing really). I do have to realize my limits though. This is very important. I cannot train using an intermediate plan. It requires too much for my busy and tiring work schedule. So, I think I’ll use the beginner’s with less mileage. I might be able to handle that. I will want to join a gym too, though. The only problem with that is the $$ – and no, I cannot get reimbursed via health insurance because I am a rebel here in MA and don’t have any yet.

 

6. In a couple weeks – after I’ve been consistently training – I will be looking for a new multi-vitamin. I can’t take most women’s multi’s because they make me nauseous even after eating. I think it’s the iron levels in them. I will find one that works though. The reason I am waiting is so that I am not changing too many things at once with my body. This way, if I react negatively I will know for sure it’s from the vitamin and not my current diet (not diet as in lose weight, diet as in what I fuel my training body with) or training schedule.

 

7. Wednesday I will begin to put together a database of firms to send cold resumes to. The goal will then be to send 8 a week. I figure with my Mon and Frid off I can put together some really good and pointed cover letters. I do not want to send form covers. No one looks at them. Since summer is almost over, maybe I will actually get some responses.

 

8. Also, on Wednesday, I will be contacting some of the local legal services/pro bono places around to see what I can do. Nic is right with everything he put in the comments

 

9. The one thing I am REALLY looking forward to right now is seeing Care Bear on Friday. Maybe it was knowing I would see her so soon that gave me the strength to make the decision to stop. I am not sure. I am just relived that she will be here. Now, if only I didn’t have to work Saturday… [And I don't now! I switched my Sat shift with someone's Sun shift. Wahoo!]

Tuesday 8/12 – 2:13 a.m. August 12, 2008

*Some of these posts are from when I am trying to sleep and can’t so I physically wrote it out.*

 

Care Bear once suggested (in Unofficial and I’s previous break) that I email her any emails I want to send him. The same idea went for phone calls and texts. I am planning on using her for those very things as I need. I may even share them on here once in a while.

 

I can’t sleep and feel like I need more closure. I will not call/text/email him. But… this is what is in my head that I wish he’d read:

 

————————————————————————————————-
Dear Unofficial:

 

It’s disheartening that our conversation went the way it did today. I hate that recently we seem to have disintegrated.

 

I’ve said before and I’ll never say otherwise – I talk things to death. Often, I am not even a little eloquent. The more I talk, the worse the situation becomes and the more confused and hurt I end up being. What’s difficult with you and I is that there is no clear anything. I know you think you’re being clear but to me, you’re not. This is only due to my ever questioning mind and need to dissect everything. Take it as a sign of how much I care because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t give anything a second thought.

 

This isn’t meant to continue our conversation or to try and make things work. Instead, I want to make sure you know how much I care about you. I truly do adore you and can see great things happening between us. You are an amazing man who has a wonderful heart. I would not have kept playing my role in this if I thought anything less. You have a lot to offer someone, if only you would allow yourself to do so.

 

I can’t tell you how happy I’ve been over these past months. The good outweighs even the worst of what you and I experienced together. I appreciate all you have done nad the support you never failed to give.

 

There’s no real need for me to pout down on paper that I wish things could be different. You are fully aware of that. Part of me thinks you wish the same, a bigger part of me believes you don’t really think much past the current moment.

 

I did not want to disappear from your life without letting you know how I feel about you and “us.” With that said, that is precisely what I need to do in order to move on. I cannot continue to live in this grey area and not feel as important to you as you are to me. I cannot continue to fall for you without feeling as though you’ll be there to catch me. Because, Unofficial, that is exactly what has been happening. And I’ve been getting scared which is where the anger has been coming from.

 

One of the saddest and toughest things in the world for me to do right now is say “goodbye” and walk away from this. Unfortunately, it is also the one thing I absolutely must do.

 

I can only hope that in the very near future you realize how important and fantastic I am. My days will not be filled with such wishful thinking, however. I need to move on.

 

You know how to contact me if you need – I will not play this game of back and forth anymore, though. If you think of getting back together… think hard. I will not settle for the grey area with you anymore. I deserve more. We deserve more.

 

Take care of yourself and Chatty Cat.
~S
——————————————————————————————

 

Now, boys and girls – this may seem like a bit much, but there you go. I know I will get through this. I am just sad. And tired. I know it is for the best and I need to stick with it. Part of me knew Sunday night that this would need to happen but maybe in a less drastic way. I thought that maybe I would just make him put the effort into communicating, etc. I wouldn’t call him first, let him call me – that type of thing. Maybe not respond for a day or two. Now, I know I have to just cut it out all together.

 

He will be confused and hurt, I’m afraid, after I don’t answer or respond. I know him. We may not talk all week and then he’ll call next week. Part of me is afraid of hurting him through this process. And, I know, I know – “But hasn’t he hurt you, Snarky?” Yes. I just hope I am strong enough to fully commit to these rules even when he does call and sounds hurt in voicemail or texts me all confused. I’ll feel like I’m being mean and I don’t want to be that.

Speaking Of People Not Wanting Me… August 11, 2008

Not really up for giving the details at this point. Suffice it to say, I’m at my break point and we’re done. It was not something that I definitively said to him today but I’m cutting communication. I do not think this is going to come as a surprise to him.

 

And with that… I found the following online and think it’s kind of cute and good and I’m putting it on here as a statement of my intent to end the madness. I have made a few changes or cut out things that don’t apply:

 

I, Snarky Runner, do, hereby, solemnly swear that I will not behave in the manner of a crazy [quasi]-ex-girlfriend. I will not participate in foolish or destructive behavior. [emphasis added] I promise to act in a dignified fashion and that means I will not do stupid things, no matter how I might rationalize them. [again, emphasis added] Therefore, I vow the following:

 

1. I will not call Unofficial No matter what good or bad news I think he should hear only from me, I will not call him. Even if I am convinced it will make me feel better, I will not call him.

 

2. I will not email Unofficial. Not even an innocent and rather funny group forward. I will not contact him at all.

 

3. I will not frequent the places I know Unofficial goes to, even if I went there first and like it better. I acknowledge this is not a pissing contest about territory. I know going to such places will hurt more than it will help. Until there has been some place and time between us, going to those places is asinine, can be viewed as stalker-ish and will be painful only to me.

 

4. I will not encourage or allow my friends to do anything foolhardy, even with my best interests at heart. That includes talking to Unofficial when they see him in public to let him know he is a jerk and that he’ll never do better than me, or to share that I am looking fabulous, got an attorney position, bought an apartment and am dating a ridiculously wealthy, hot and successful power player.

 

5. I will screen all of my calls. I will not answer the phone unless I know who it is and am sure it’s not Unofficial. All other calls will go to voicemail.

 

6. I will not take Unofficial’s phone calls. I repeat, I will not take his phone calls.

 

7. I will not return Unofficial’s phone calls or emails. If he is “just checking” to see how I am, I know he is really just checking to see if I think he’s a jackass. He is looking for an ego stroke, not to get back together, and I know this because he did not start out the communication with, “I am sorry. I made a mistake. I want us to get back together.”

 

8. I will not look for signs that we will get back together. This includes asking the Magic 8-ball or tarot readers, reading our horoscopes daily or checking his online networking/social sites such as myspace, linkedin etc. The only professional guidance I will see will be from a licensed therapist or my girlfriends.

 

9. I will not believe this is temporary. I will see this as permanent until proven otherwise by concrete actions, immense apologies and flowers. [It said couples' therapy and I think that's a bit much... flowers is much better.]

 

10. I will not hide under a rock, be ashamed or humiliated that this relationship has ended. For all I know, this could be the best thing that ever happened to me. And I believe that the wonderful stuff I deserve is on its way.

 

I promise to abide by these vows for at least 30 days, or until I have gotten over him, whichever is longer. This is about me feeling better and that has nothing to do with him.

 

This I do affirm. So help me.

~Snarky Runner, Esq.
8/11/08

Nobody Wants Me… August 11, 2008

I sent out like 12 responses to various postings online this previous Friday. All through email, as requested. I have gotten nothing back from any of them. NOTHING. I have received no call backs from any of the resumes I previously sent out either. Why doesn’t anyone want me?! I cannot continue to be a waitress. I just can’t. My financial life is in shambles and waitressing is not cutting it. I’m really beginning to freak out over here.

Just A Quick One… August 7, 2008

1. Things are better with the Unofficial situation. We had a good talk about why I got so upset. He’s aware of the precariousness of this… that I’m close to walking. I think it’s kind of booted his bum a little. There have been no major changes as of yet… we’ll see. Hang in there kids, there seems to be a change in the direction of the wind coming… haha. (I have to laugh or well… yeah…)

 

2. Best news ever: I get to see Care Bear next week!!! YAY!!!!! Seriously… best news. She will be making a trip from Pennsyltucky to New Hampshire with some of our mutual friends for a few days. Because I always have Friday’s off, I will be meeting them up there! Wahoo!! I am so so so excited!!!

 

3. Related to #2: I asked Unofficial if he’d take Friday off and go with me to NH. He said that if he could, he’d definitely go. Let’s all be honest here: the odds are against him going. In fact, let’s start some betting in the comments. What do you think the over under is? Haha. Yes, I’m promoting betting on my love life… Why the hell not…

 

4. Roommate and I got hammered together the other night. It led to a pretty good conversation, in so much as a drunk conversation can be good. Anyway, we let out all of the frustration and discussed the issues we have with each other. Things have been better since. Again, we’ll see…

 

5. Tomorrow, RockStar and I have plans to hang in and have a very low key night. On the docket: steak tips like my mom used to make, movies and/or Mad Men marathon, and just relaxing. We’re both low on the funds and need to try to curb our drinking problems. So… we came up with this plan. Unofficial is in Random’s city which gives me a night free to spend with Ms. RockStar. I am very much looking forward to this easy going night.

 

The Good… And… The Bad… August 1, 2008

1. The good: I won $500 on a scratch ticket (very impromptu purchase) yesterday at the grocery store. The bad: My bank account is $300 overdrawn so it really works out to $200. And rent of $700 is due tomorrow… awesome.

 

2. The good: I picked up a tavern shift tomorrow night to make a little extra moo-la. The bad: It’s because Unofficial and I are in a HUGE (read: BIGGEST WE’VE EVER HAD) fight and won’t be doing something on what was planned as a night off for us to go out…

 

3. The good: I’m starting to have some pretty important epiphanies regarding Unofficial and I. The bad: They still hurt like hell and don’t necessarily make the situation easier.

 

4. The good: Because of these epiphanies I feel like there will be some major changes coming. The bad: I feel as though they will no longer include Unofficial.

 

5. The good: Roommate has been relatively OK lately, even cleaning…*GASP* The bad: She had some guy come over after midnight last night. Tonight there’s a dude over when I get home. No clue (but doubt) if they are the same dude. She’s kind of a whore.

 

6. The good: Today was obviously a breakthrough day re: Unofficial and how I am dealing with this situation. The bad: I know myself, and tomorrow I will write something completely different or find “some way” for us to make things work until “he’s ready.” [Note: I will hunt anyone down who comments quoting my quotes here. today has not been a good day and i need not to be told what I should do, just supported. that is all. Rarely do I censor. Deal with it.]