The Inner Workings Of My Mind July 28, 2008

1. Care Bear and I had quite the conversation last week. It got heated the way it can when you care deeply about someone and want the best things for them and they either don’t want to hear or are fighting it. I, of course, was not the voice of reason in this conversation. Anyway… at one point in the conversation Care Bear said that things don’t always have to be complicated and with me, for some reason, all of my relationships have been. She’s right. They have. And, it currently is. While I think this situation is different than many of my previous ones, I think the overall issue is something that needs to be looked at a bit more.

 

2. My mom has always been in these really horrible relationships. She would completely lose herself in them. Often she would allow these men to treat her very poorly. She would not stick up for herself and when she finally did they were such ridiculously macho egotistical men that they would not respond well. Even my father (legal not biological) was pretty horrible for a very long time. His anger issues alone caused a lot of problems growing up. When my mother went manic, his anger issues were just intensified. Without a man, my mom is this small pathetic person. Much of this may be from her medication since the last time she was hospitalized.

 

3. Part of me has always been scared of turning into her. I know I have her dry sense of humor and attitude at times. I do not, however, want to repeat her mistakes in relationships. I refuse to marry for security or convenience (the reason behind marrying my father – again legal not biological). I also refuse to allow someone to belittle me or disrespect me. I get scared of losing myself in someone… not in that romantic-punch-drunk-love type of way. I mean in a more serious, losing my personality and sense of self way. I refuse to let that happen.

 

4. This thing with Unofficial, while not conventional or 100% the most healthy situation, is a huge step for me. I have begun over the past few months to allow him into my life more fully and to allow parts of my life to merge. I’ve mentioned in previous posts my tendency to keep everything separated. I’ve also begun to see how Unofficial brings out the best parts of me. I am more patient yet assertive, lovable and loving, motivated, strong and smiley. As cliche as it sounds, he makes me want to do great things.

10 Random Things About Me July 27, 2008

1. When I am frightened by something like a bug or a mouse, I scream like a little girl. Seriously, all high pitched and loud.

 

2. I cannot count money if it isn’t “faced.” Meaning – it must be facing the same way, have the same side up etc and be in order. I get this from being a “gate attendant” at the beaches when I was 16-18 and that’s how they wanted the money they collected from us daily.

 

3. My two closets are organized by clothing type. I have one for just my “professional” clothing – suits, button up shirts, etc. – and all of my shoes. The other is everything else – casual and fun clothes.

 

4. There are two boardgames that I absolutely love: Monopoly and Life. My sister and I always play Monopoly the night before Christmas (since becoming old enough – we drink also). We stay up way later than everyone else and do our little game playing thing. It’s silly and fun.

 

5. I have had a navel piercing for almost 10 years now. For some inexplicable reason, I am unable to change the ring on my own. I have tried and tried but it never works. It requires the help of another if it comes out or just needs to be changed. Slightly embarrassing, I know.

 

6. I get girl crushes. A lot. Unofficial finds it funny. All of a sudden I start talking about a girl a lot and he will ask if I have a girl crush. The answer is always yes.

 

7. Mornings are like hell for me. I do NOT like waking up and having to deal with life. In general, people should not talk to me for the first hour that I am awake while I make that transition.

 

8. #7 does not apply to waking up next to Unofficial. I can’t help but smile whenever I see him in the morning.

 

9. I worry that I have gotten myself too comfortable in regards to waitressing and that I’ll never find a real job. I also worry that I won’t be any good at the lawyer stuff. I never tell anyone this.

 

10. I am pretty confident when it comes to the sexual side of my personality. I am not so confident in the rest of myself all of the time. I also never tell anyone this.

 

 

 

Tell me 10 random things about you.

Jobs, School Rip-Off, No RockStar, Meltdown and Wonderful Unofficial July 21, 2008

1. I have yet to receive any positive response to my job search efforts of last week. This makes me sad. I received an email from the government agency that said they received my resume and would look it over. However, that woman I waited on that night called and said they usually hire people with ridiculous amounts of experience. I find this hard to believe since the salary they posted was like $47,000. Whatever.

 

2. There are 3 different positions that have been posted which I will send stuff out to today. One is with yet another government entity. Another is with a firm that does some technical stuff. And the final is a part time associate position with regular court appearances. Yippee…. can you smell the enthusiasm? Yeah, me neither.

 

3. My law school charges $6 per official transcript – whether it’s sent via email or snail mail. What the hell. They charged me many tens of thousands of dollars to attend and now they nickel-and-dime me for my transcript? Bastards. AND because this other government position requires a packet (they want 1 original and 3 copies) I had to order a few transcripts so that I can open one and make copies of it. Fuckers.

 

4. It appears as though RockStar has decided to find a place with an old friend of hers. This makes sense seeing as I am not sure how I would get rid of Roommate. So… yeah. Guess I have to ride this out.

 

5. I had a bit of a meltdown with Unofficial last night. We had tentative plans to do something when he was done with golf at around 8:30. I did what I normally do… putzed around and then started to get ready. I did my makeup and began my hair. Unofficial called when I was trying on an outfit. We talked a bit about his game and then he said he’d gotten a message from his parents and they needed him to pick them up at the airport in a couple hours. He wanted a raincheck. I got all pissy, quiet and obviously upset. Then I texted him that I wish he had told me early about picking up his parents because I hate getting ready to see him and then not. I told him it was frustrating. That I try to be understanding. And that I think to him it’s not a big deal and that sucks. He called me. He calmly and matter-of-factly explained that he didn’t know previously and that their flight had been delayed thus causing them to miss the last bus to their car. He said he wasn’t avoiding me (duh) and that he just didn’t have a choice. And I got super upset. I started crying. Why? I was sooo emotional.

 

6. And then… then… I said… well… I said… “I know you had to get your parents. I know. It’s just… I get all excited to see you and put in the effort to make myself all pretty…and… then I’m sitting here all pretty….” All in between sobs. SERIOUSLY!?!? How much of a chick am I? I have NEVER EVER even thought those words before. And how did Unofficial respond? “I appreciate that you take the time to look pretty for me, it’s sweet. Even if you really don’t need to do anything to look pretty.” And then I apologized for being hormonal or emotional whatever. And he again was amazing “It’s Ok. Your stressed about looking for a new job, stuff at the restaurant isn’t going well and your living situation sucks. I understand and it’s OK. Hopefully my stressful time is coming to a close too, so that it’s a little easier.” *Heart flutters*

Running Hot July 18, 2008

1. I wanted to go for a run today. The plan was to go for 6 miles. This shouldn’t be a tough thing for me to do, right? Wrong. It was so flippin’ hot outside that I got two miles in and had to turn around. And then I had to walk for a bit of it. Seriously. Walk!? Jeepers. In total I ran 3 miles… maybe a tad more. Pitiful.

 

2. New rule before running: nothing from the onion or vinegar families.

 

3. It was like 90 degrees at 5:45 pm when I went running. Seriously?! What is wrong with me?

 

Job Help, Idiot Customers, Burn, Unofficial and Baby Steps July 17, 2008

1. Last night I was serving at the restaurant and met someone who works for the agency I sent my resume to yesterday. She is not an attorney but has many attorney friends in the agency and said she would get me an interview. So… that’s cool.

 

2. I absolutely abhor when people make comments like “Are you sure you didn’t mix up these [Insert drinks/coffee etc here]?!” No… I’m not sure. In fact, I’m probably going to give you a goose martini as opposed to the hendricks martini you wanted, just because you asked. Fucker.

 

3. Because of my new darker hair, I decided I needed a quick fix to my pasty-ness. I went to the tanning place across from work. And I’m burnt. Even my arm pits are burnt. Dumb Snarky.

 

4. After work I went over to Unofficial’s place. He was packing to go away for the weekend and I just hung out and chatted with him. It was definitely just comfortable and we didn’t have plans to do anything per se. I just wanted to see him before he left. He was really cute. I had a bit of an insomniac night, but whatever. I just like being with him.

 

5. His town sucks for parking and there’s this whole process that must be followed when I stay there. I have to drive to the police station, buy an overnight permit ($10) and then go to the overnight lot and park. Usually he does this with me but last night I told him I would do it myself and walk over to his place from the lot (a couple blocks). Some nights the permit machine is broken but most it’s not. If you don’t get a permit you get a ticket for $30 (this happened on Sunday night argh). Unofficial parks in an overnight garage which charges a measly $60 a month. Last night, as I was walking to his place I realized that it would be easier and cheaper if I got a spot in his garage. I asked him this morning if he has a “lease” with the garage, and he said no, it’s just monthly. So… I said something to the extent of “It might be a good idea for us to think about and discuss whether I should just get a spot in the garage as opposed to doing the permit thing. I usually stay over more than 6 times a month anyway and it would just be overall easier.” His response “Well, that’s quite a commitment *laughing*” Me “Yeah… month by month *also laughing*” He said he’d never thought about it and that it might be a good idea. Baby steps, kids. Baby steps.

Accountant, Job Search and Lara Croft July 16, 2008

1. I went to dinner last night with a boy who I was once interested in while in college. Let’s call him Accountant (yes, he’s an accountant). We went to a new sushi place near him and it was fun. He looked the same except for longer hair and a bit of scruffle. The conversation was good and we had a great time. It’s funny because I was looking at him and trying to figure out if there was any chemistry… then I realized… it wouldn’t be a question if there was. I’m not sure why I was wondering… I mean, maybe so that if I decided to end things for real with Unofficial I’d have someone to fall back on? But, I couldn’t stop thinking about Unofficial.

 

2. Today I have applied or started to apply to a few different places. One application with the government is due on the 7th, so I’ve started that. Then, I put together a cover letter and resume to respond to a posting from a different agency within the government. Also, I sent a cold email to a boutique firm in town that has both litigation and sport practices. I feel like I was productive! Yay!

 

3. It’s slightly possible that my darker hair makes me look a tad like Lara Croft… yup.

Food Shopping Thoughts July 14, 2008

1. I love food shopping. I am not sure why… but it is something that makes me happy and slightly giddy. It has dawned on me how strange this is. There are screaming children, bad cart drivers, and all sorts of loud boorish people. The things is though, I love food. And thus, the food shopping.

 

2. I almost always go down the cereal aisle even though I hardly eat cereal. Every once in a while I grab a new cereal and try it. And, I often stop and look at the “cereal bars” and “granola bars” etc I cannot even count on how many occasions I have bought one of those boxes of bars and tried to like its contents. The truth is, I pretty much hate them. And today, I gave up the push-pull battle with myself to try and like them. I will chalk this up to me learning to be OK with who I truly am… a non-cereal/granola-bar-loving-woman.

 

3. There’s something funny I do when I go food shopping: I talk to myself and cover my mouth and nose with whatever list I happen to have with me. So, I walk around and look at items all the while just kind of mumbling to myself. Now, this isn’t going on the ENTIRE time while shopping just when I’m debating between items or whether I should even buy something. Yeah. It’s strange. I know.

 

4. Why are there so many hair dyes? I went to buy one and it took me 20 minutes! I didn’t know which “dark brown” I wanted. Why am I dying my hair? I want it a bit darker and I’m too poor to go to my stylist. She will now ban me, I’m sure, from her salon but I don’t care so much. I needed a change. But back to the issue at hand… HOW MANY DIFFERENT SHADES OF BROWN CAN THERE BE!? Seriously?! Hopefully I got the right one… haha.

 

5. I like to make up stories about people I see in the grocery store based on what’s in their carts. Try it sometime. It’s fun.

Unofficial Run, Sleepy and Bridesmaid July 14, 2008

1. Last night Unofficial and I had a great time. I brought over some ingredients I had that were going to go bad to make guacamole. We went for a run that he tends to go on randomly. Now, if I haven’t mentioned previously, Unofficial is not the biggest runner. Every once in a while he’ll go out but that’s it. Yeah… umm… this little run of his is 5.6 miles long. We used my Nike+ to track it. And… let it be noted… I almost died. He was in rough shape too, thank God. Anyway, it was such a fun time. Granted, after a while we couldn’t talk much… but that’s ok. We run well together and I had a new sense of motivation when running with him (to not look like a wuss).

 

2. After the run we took a yummy shower and then went to get some food. Both of us seemed to be fading quickly. Our meal was good and he was happy that Braveheart was on. Never have I felt so tired or quiet around him. Part of me is afraid it makes him think that we aren’t connecting… part of me is sure he realizes it’s because of how tired I was from the run. I can say, I have never slept so well at his place (sober) as I did last night. I told him we need to be a running couple. He laughed.

 

3. A friend has asked me to be in her wedding. I’m not to mention it to anyone quite yet for various reasons. However I can say it’s not someone from law school or college. I was very surprised and ecstatic! Yay!

 

Greetings From The War Zone July 12, 2008

1. RockStar and BF are definitely done. She is living at Manager M’s place for the time being. It would be in our best interests to get Roommate out of here and move RockStar in. How would you go about this? Suggestions would be great.

 

2. *Finally* I get to hang out with Unofficial tomorrow night. We chatted today and are going to do something tomorrow night. YAY! AND apparently the work life of his is shaping up and looking up. This is good news on all fronts. I’m excited for him… and maybe for us? haha.

 

3. Roommate Wars Round 2: I come home Saturday night after a LONG night. I open my bedroom door and Roommate’s cat is on my bed. I go to shoo her off… and she responds by dropping 3 little nuggets out of her ass and then running out of my room. SHE SHIT ON MY BED! So… I was furious and left a note for Roommate: “Roommate, I came home tonight and tried to shoo your cat off my bed and she SHIT on it. AWESOME!” Her response to this was “Sorry. no clue. close your door then” EXCUSE ME!? And then… we get into a discussion and she’s just like “Yeah… uh… sorry no idea why she would that… uh maybe something is wrong with her… did you actually SEE her do it? …. etc” And I responded with “Yeah well… if you think something is wrong maybe you should bring her to the vet…” To which she said she didn’t need an attitude and it’s an animal and how is she to control and animal… blah fucking blah. All she had to say to make things ok was “I’m so sorry. Let me get your bedding cleaned. I feel so bad… etc” But no. I mean, I wouldn’t ACTUALLY take her up on the offer but YOU MAKE THE OFFER!! Things are not going well. How do I get her out?

 

4. My favorite Red Sox player came into the restaurant the other night again. He and his wife are now very comfortable with me and chat me up when they come in. I blocked some guy from going over and talking to the player. I went over to the table and said something about boys being boys and his wife said “Is that your boyfriend?” I responded with “Oh no, he’s got a foot on that one” And the player said “Where?” I told Unofficial this story… he thinks the player wants me to have a 3-some with the wife and him. Haha…. Awesome.

Lunch, Marriage, Brown, RockStar, Sex, Pregger Thoughts and Casting… July 10, 2008

1. I had lunch with Unofficial today. OK, Unofficial, and 2 of his best friends. It was so much fun!! And, I was so happy to see Unofficial. We made tentative plans for Sunday, since I am working every night until then. I miss him a lot… and I just want to grab onto him and hold tight. Haha…in a Koala bear type way.

 

2. People are getting married left and right and it makes me think. And I’m being totally honest here… At lunch one of Unofficial’s friends said something about a girl saying she loved him after a couple months… And he (Unofficial) and I looked at each other and giggled. I’m so not there… but, as I’ve said before, can see us getting there. And it made me happy. I know it’s not something I want to blurt out now… but I can see that I’ll want to in the near future, and I think he wants to too. I know it’s weird, because of our “status” but I know we’re moving forward. If we aren’t… well, then I’m out. Just let it play out for now…

 

3. There’s a regular who comes in and works for a certain delivery service company. Think Brown. Anyway… He always looks at me in a “certain” way… and let’s be honest… I’m Hot (sorry, I’m being a brat, but it’s kind of true… so I hear…)… but I’m not interested in him… but I think maybe I should be… I dunno. He’s attractive, I guess… But… I dunno… Argh. I can’t not think about Unofficial…

 

4. I’m worried because I think RockStar and her BF broke up. I would like (*if* things are irretrievably broken) for her to move in with me… but honestly… I’m so concerned with RS’s well being and do we think we can get the Roommate to move out?! Really, I am just worried about RockStar… I hope she’s OK…

 

5. It’s been over a week since Unofficial and I have had sex. This is what happens when you are “unofficial” and “someone” is living at work. I’m OK with him being at work and such… but… not OK with the lack of sex… I’m much like a guy. I need it. And… well… I’m kind of fiending. Argh. Too bad he was sooo tired tonight that (I’m sure) he passed out early.

 

6. There’s a part of me that wonders what it’s like to be pregnant. I know I don’t want to be now. However, I do soon…. how much longer do I wait to meet “the right guy” before moving onto “other” methods? I’m pretty sure I don’t want one in the next 2-3 years… but what about after? I mean, let’s be realistic, if Unofficial and I don’t work… then I have another relationship to try and work on and then how long until marriage… and then etc…. I do not have a time line, but I don’t want to be an “old mom” but I don’t want to rush things either… Oh jeesh… let’s just hope Unofficial and I work… haha… then there would be some perfect timing, right?

 

7. Really?! Am I honestly thinking about #6…. CRAP!

 

8. My life tends to be one sitcom after another… and I often wonder… Who would play me?