Some thoughts that all persons planning on dining out should consider:
* Please never say “Well… you aren’t going anywhere, are you?” to your server when it is quite obvious that they could potentially leave and enjoy their life if you were to finish your cappuccino a tad faster.
* Do not ask “How is [menu item]?” and then when I say “Good!” respond with “Well, you HAVE to say that.” Don’t ask how something is then. Idiot.
* SAY “PLEASE.”
* ALSO, SAY “THANK YOU.”
* Yes, I AM sure this is decaf. No, you may NOT have my phone number to call me at 2 a.m. when you can’t fall asleep.
* Do not make your server run back and forth. Order your drink when the rest of your party does.
* The same goes for when the server asks if you would like anything else. If you might need ketchup with your fries, ask at that moment. Don’t ask in 10 minutes.
* You are not the server’s only table. Accept it.
* Unless you are at Wendy’s, it is probably NOT self seating. Go where the hostess puts you – they have reasons for it.
* Listen to your server when they tell you how big/sour/spicy/small something is. He/She is trained to know these things.
* Please, if you have a party of more than 3, do NOT ask for separate checks. Learn. How. To. Add.
* Never tip less than $10, for any reason.
* While we’re at it – 15% is for bad service – 20% is for good service – exceptional service should be tipped at more than 20%.
* If gratuity is included, it’s only at 18%. Add the extra 2% or more you cheap bastards.
* Not every server is YOUR server. And… we do NOT all look alike. That’s like saying all Asians look alike.
* White Zinfandel will now be referred to as fruit punch.
* Your server is not responsible for the following:
– The decor
– The prices
– The selection
– Your bad attitude.
* If we shut you off after you have drank either a case of wine, a keg of beer or a bottle of Jack… just deal with it and take a cab home.
* Yes, I do know who you are. You are the asshole at my table who thinks he’s important and is giving me a headache.
