For the second time, I have heard my roommate having sex. This has got to stop. Seriously. I will not stand for it. I am now forced with having this stupid discussion with her that will make no one comfortable. I fucking hate people.
More Dreams May 30, 2008
1. There was one last night where Unofficial drove to meet me somewhere like 8 hours away. I must have been away visiting or something. So… he drives all the way down there to see me and then when I get excited about it he says something like “Nothing has changed. Snarky.” And then I felt deflated. Of course, I try and talk to him about it in the dream and I make things worse. Ugh.
2. I had another one that Athletic Trainer was in, as well. I haven’t spoken to AT since that night out a week ago. Anyway, in the dream, we were going to hole up in a hotel room or something but had to get stuff at the store for food etc. So we were going through an almost target-ish place but a little nicer and I lost him. I turn around and go back like 3 sections of the store and he’s talking to some chick. Of course. And when I get snippy with him about it, he says “I own a bar. I have to talk to the people who come in when I see them out.” Bull. Shit. Anyway, so then we go through the store and we see more people he knows and then I wake up.
3. The first I can kind of understand. But the 2nd? Really? Ugh.
4. Last note: it’s been 2 and a half full days of no communication. Which, of course, makes me miss him a ton. 
L-Street, Work, Blown Off, Night In, Swearing In and Missing My Girls May 29, 2008
1. I ran with the L-Street Running Club for the first time today. I almost died. They were pretty nice, one of the guys who has been involved for years ran back with us for the last half. It was like a 7.5 mile run. Uh. Yeah. Farthest I’ve run since October. And I’m slow. S.L.O.W.
2. The reason I got to run with them tonight was because I got cut from the floor tonight at work. It’s been super dead. I REALLY need a new job. REALLY.
3. Last week (Friday?) I had made a tentative “girl date” with Maxim Girl. I called her after I got home from work today and left a message seeing if she wanted to do anything. No return call. My thoughts on this are: 1) It was all talk; 2) She was busy; 3) She heard about Unofficial and I and feels a bit strange. Her boyfriend is Unofficial’s friend and ex-coworker. So….. Yeah. I dunno. I’m not all that concerned about it, but whatever.
4. I’m actually glad I didn’t make plans for tonight because I’m a bit sore and I got to cook some dinner for myself. I guess I’m just trying to put myself out there to meet new people and stuff. However, I guess tonight it was for the best for me to stay in.
5. I got my swearing in letter today!! I’m being sworn in on June 23rd!!! WAHOO!!! Not so fun… I have to be there at 9 a.m. Oh boy. Can’t wait to tell the father-person that news. He’ll have to leave the Cape at like 6. BUT… I’ll be a REAL lawyer!!!!!! YAY!!
6. I miss my girls. All of them.
Little Bit Before Bed May 28, 2008
1. Not sure if it’s a cold or allergies. So…… I’m taking cold and allergy medication (obviously, one combined medication) to deal. It makes me REALLY thirsty, though. Like REEEEEEEEEALLY thirsty. I think I drank around 3 gallons of water today. Not a joke.
2. Of course, because I’m not feeling so hot, I RAN MY ASS OFF at work. At least I didn’t have time to think while working.
3. An older gentleman who frequents the restaurant gave me a round-about compliment this afternoon. He said that his wife, if she ever saw me, would say I am “stunning.” It was sweet and made me smile.
4. Another person who made me smile today was Sexy Owner for two reasons. First, he was telling me about a new attorney that might represent their company. The firm’s focus is apparently on the restaurant industry. Did you know firms did this?! Neither did I!! Sounds pretty perfect for me, right? Just what Sexy Owner was thinking. So… he might pass along my resume to the attorney for me. Wahoo.
5. The second reason he made me smile is because when I was serving him and the other owners we had the following conversation: Him – “How’s the job search going?” Me – “Slow.” Him – “I’m sorry… but… I’m not sorry.” He doesn’t want me to leave… awwww….
Morning Musings May 28, 2008
1. I am very tired today. I stayed up until 3 a.m. reading through this woman’s experiences with an ex of hers. Daisytoyou’s experiences are quite interesting, to say the least. Whether or not I would draw a direct comparison between our lives is yet to be seen though. She’s fantastic for giving me access to the archives nonetheless.
2. My throat is scratchy which means I’m about to get real sick. I have to make sure to get a ridiculous amount of sleep tonight, that’s the only way to stave it off.
3. I miss him a lot today already. Damn it.
Care Bear, Unofficial, Work, Girl Date, Bay State Marathon and Tacos May 27, 2008
1. I have finally shared this blog with one of my close friends, Care Bear. No one else knows about it but I think it will give her some of the insight I forget to share when we chat on a daily basis. She may comment, I hope she does, when she thinks I’m being ridiculous. It feels good to finally share this with someone I know personally.
2. There has been no response to the email I sent Unofficial yesterday. I expected as much. I doubt he will respond. I think I might revert a little to when I was younger. When I was in high school and dating this guy, I would write letters when I was upset or something. There were no cell phones or email or anything. So… maybe from now on I’ll just hand write letters to Unofficial and keep them in my “boy box.” (Oh come on… you know what I mean… the box of all the crap from exes past. Pictures, letters, movie ticket stubs… Don’t look at me like that… you have one too!) Anyway, I think it will be a good way to get the thoughts out of my head and into the universe without me being needy or annoying.
3. Got a response from the guy at the legal staffing place I had previously interviewed with (last summer) and who I emailed last week. He said the economy sucks but they might get contract positions from time to time and he would contact me. Contract positions work for me. Get me the hell out of this restaurant!
4. I have a tentative “girl date” with a new friend on Thursday. We’ll name her Maxim Girl as she is competing for “Hometown Hottie” for one of the towns in MA. Care Bear just told me that she’s going to see a midnight showing of SATC on Thursday night. I wonder if they’re doing that around here. It would be a perfect girl date.
5. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I think I’ve picked out which marathon I’m going to train for this fall. Two of my friends from high school are running in it and they’ve convinced me that I should as well. It’s the Bay State Marathon in Lowell, MA this October. Training starts for real in July. I can do the long runs with those two so that should be good. Yay!
6. I’m craving tacos. Not Taco Bell tacos, but the kind you make at home with the kit. Strange, no?
If It’s Possible, Things Just Got Worse… May 26, 2008
1. Unofficial and I never met up on Saturday night. Instead, we went to a fun little bar yesterday evening. It was early enough and all. It was nice to see him and be around him. We got into a conversation about everything again and I offered a compromise. I refuse to type said compromise because it was so dumb and desperate, I can’t believe I even said it. Neither could he actually and he turned it down anyway. And then things just went down hill. I couldn’t understand why he would be so willing to just cut things off. I got kind of angry and said something I’m not all that happy about today.
2. He missed me this past week. He hated not talking as often as we do and said it was difficult for him. What he wants is to be friends. He wants to have me in his life and maintain that connection which we obviously have. It would be difficult for us to “try” things any more right now. Until he is in the right place for a serious relationship that can never happen, it’s too complicated now. He also mentioned that he wants to basically keep the door open for when he is in the right place.
3. We left things kind of in a strange way… decided to not talk for like a week and then chat and see how things are. He knows how hard this is for me and realizes that it would be near impossible to go straight to friends. I told him that I want him to see a shrink basically. HAHA. I mean, I said it in a nice way… but I said it. He agreed though, then he said I should probably see someone too. HAHA. And then, without a word, I got out of the car… It was one of the saddest moments I’ve ever experienced.
4. So, I did what any one would do… got hammered. I purposely didn’t drink heavily last week knowing how things would go. I should have taken that into consideration last night. I met a friend from high school out and it was actually fun. I enjoyed being out with him and his girlfriend and we had a good time. However, I drank a lot. A. Lot. Some vodka shot, a so-co lime shot, 2 beers, a Razberri Stoli Cosmo, Dirty martini, and then I think a glass of red wine. I do not remember what I think is the last hour of my night. I don’t recall being put in a cab. I do not recall the cab ride AT ALL. I called and then texted Unofficial, did not remember that. I got home with a Wendy’s cup in my hand, Roomie told me. When did I go to Wendys? Also, apparently her and I spoke, she helped me take my necklace off… oh yeah. Lovely. Do not remember any of it. I feel as if I probably got sick at some point during the cab ride, hopefully not in the cab. I’m also unsure about where all of my money went, I think I gave the driver $50. Seriously. Not good.
5. When I realized that I didn’t remember a HUGE chunk of time from last night, I looked at my phone and that’s when I saw that I called him and texted him. I got very concerned about if I spoke with him or not. I sent a text apologizing and then another one later asking if he could tell me if we spoke. His response was “Just look at your call log.” Awesome. So, he’s mad. I’ve managed to make everything like 20 times worse.
6. Today was horrible. I almost passed out because my blood sugar was so low. Roomie has had to take care of me most of the day. I’m such a pathetic mess.
7. I do think I may have done one thing right. I emailed Unofficial today. Just a bit ago. It was kind of long but clarified some of the things I said yesterday. I am pretty sure my anger and sadness caused things to come out of my mouth in a way that I didn’t mean. So I explained. I apologized for the call/text. And I said that I’d rather him in my life as a friend than not at all. I told him I think he was right in suggesting we not talk for like a week and then chat and see how things are. I ended the email by saying that this is the last time I will initiate contact for a while. That I hope he understands why. This sucks.
Why Cell Phones Are Bad, Athletic Trainer And Unofficial May 24, 2008
1. Last night was quite random. I went into work and felt OK. They had me scheduled for the patio. I had no tables. None. Zero. They didn’t cut me until 7:45 pm. But, when they did finally cut me I was happy to leave and go back home. I was bad and called Unofficial. It’s so second nature. It was a Friday night and I had the night off basically. He didn’t answer, I left a message. I should not be allowed to own a cell phone during times like this.
2. What is funny about last night is I met Athletic Trainer out. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since Unofficial and I started. There is a moment, I believe, when you can look at an ex and know for 100% that you are truly over that person and will never want to be with them again. I had that moment last night with AT. I know I’ve said multiple times on here that we would never work and that we’re done but, truly, we are. For him, I’m not so sure if he had that moment, but I did. The attraction just isn’t there and the way he speaks to me drives me insane (in a bad way). We got in a bit of a tiff over Unofficial and I’s situation. AT thinks he knows all and tried to tell me that I was being unreasonable. He did sound genuinely concerned for me though. Then we got in another fight over the one thing that has always stood between us and that’s his ex E. By the end of the night, he was trying to get me to go home with him via text as I drove back to my place. I told him no. I think we’re at a good place for being friends, but that’s it.
3. Another reason why my cell phone should be taken away: At 2 a.m. (about) I texted Unofficial “Maybe we should renegotiate…” SERIOUSLY!? I’m using my legalese during late-night texting?!?! Where is Random when I need someone to slap me? COME BACK FROM EUROPE!!
4. I got a phone call from Unofficial this morning, though. He and I chatted about what’s been going on in our worlds. It was nice because I had been wondering, as I mentioned on here, about how work was going etc. I did not tell him about the speaking to I had at work on Thursday. He doesn’t need to know that. Apparently, though, we were both at the same place last night, just different times. Strange. Anyway, it was a good talk. Nothing about “us.”
5. We may, potentially, meet either at my work or after I get out. I would love to see him. Sorry if I’m weaker than you all want… but it’s so hard. I feel a bit hopeful about things today…
Day 3 May 23, 2008
1. I had a difficult morning. It was one of those waterworks type of mornings. I couldn’t control my emotions. Work was horrible. It was slow. I was supposed to work a double but they took me off of the night. Then, the GM had a “talk” with me about how I’ve apparently had a few complaints recently. One on Sunday night said I was “arrogant.” There was one from last night saying that I “seemed inexperienced.” Basically… I need to just go to work, shut up, do my job and leave.
2. Speaking of work… I sent my resume, cover letter and transcript to a firm in town today. Hopefully, something comes from it. I doubt I will hear anything until mid-week though because of the holiday weekend.
3. Last night I joined a local running club. I signed up and paid the dues online. Since I didn’t have to work tonight, I thought I could make it to the group run today. They do group runs on Tuesday/Thursday/Sunday. I showed up 7 minutes late (of course). They were gone. So… I came back home and ran by myself. It was just over 3 miles, still at under 9 minute pace. I OUTRAN A STORM!! Seriously… I felt the drip drops… I outran it to my place. I got to my apartment and 30 seconds later, it poured! It was pretty cool.
4. There were about 20 different times that I wanted to text or call Unofficial today. I did not contact him at all. It was tough though. I’m starting to think that I could deal with things if we maybe just saw each other once a week or something… I seem to always come up with schemes to make difficult situations work. I feel like as much as I want a way to make this better, it really can’t be for now… right? Ugh.
5. Part of the reason I didn’t contact Unofficial was because of our horoscopes. Mine said something about not pushing an issue or forcing something, that I would get much more of what I want if I go a different route. Unofficial’s said something about feeling pressured and not dealing well with it. The other reason is because Care Bear threatened to kill me. She also said I should call him but to say “Hey, so as a severance package, you should give me a few hundo so that I can fly down and see the girls because I need them a lot and I’m sad.” I told her she was insane and that was that.
6. One thing I despise about this whole thing is not knowing what he’s up to and how his life is. Especially with his job being so crazy and all… who knows when he’ll know what’s going on with work and I’m curious. I hope things go well and I want to be apart of it when it does… ugh.
7. Traffic is back down again since the results came out. I knew that would happen. It was all a fantasy to me having over 1000 people reading about my life daily. *Sigh*
Day 2 May 21, 2008
1. That dream kept me pretty pacified all day. I’m now allowing myself to live in La-La Land and believe that he and I will work things out within a few weeks. I know, I know. However, what’s the real harm in a little self deception if it helps get through this, right?
2. Work was bearable at best. No one knows except for the person who took my shift on Tuesday night and Manager M who I am close with. We’ve played it off as me not feeling well, being sick… we’re claiming I have a tape worm. HAHA. Gross but funny. So, no one asked me about it which was good. I did get asked how he was but I just said “fine” and moved the conversation along. I really do need a new job (as an attorney) ASAP.
3. I got out of work relatively early and I texted Unofficial. This is what it said “I hate getting out of work early and not having the option to see you now…” He responded “Ditto.” Can’t he just get the fuck over this shit? Ugh.
4. Manager M and I were discussing what ailment we should pretend I have. She said pregnancy. I told her that was not allowed seeing as half our staff would be too happy with it because they would know I don’t want that in my life right now. It would be like them seeing me fall from grace, if you will. I refuse to give them such satisfaction. Tape worm it is.
5. I miss him.
