Real Life “The Bachelor?” April 28, 2008
I was watching TV this evening, trying to decompress from all the unpacking I did, and I flip over to “The Bachelor.” Let it be known that I have yet to see an episode of this season’s nonsense. There was nothing else that looked remotely interesting so I decided to see what this season’s crew is all about.
Surprisingly, the season is almost over and there were just 3 (now 2) ladies left. I’m not even going to get into the whole British accent thing… it drives me nuts and not in a good way. Anywho… one of the girls was having a hard time opening up to the Bachelor guy. She made some very interesting comment though when speaking to the camera. Her trouble opening up to him and being able to have a good time with him was due to the fact that there are other women in his life. She stated that she was torn between her feelings regarding him being with other women and the potential of her getting hurt which arises from that situation and her genuine desire to want to be with him and have a great time.
She said something along the lines of “Am I going to give up being with this man who I really care for and potentially love just because of these other women right now?”
I kind of just sat there and thought. First of all, WOW. Something that I can relate to from “The Bachelor?!” Seriously!? Secondly, shit. That is exactly how I feel. EXACTLY. I HATE the situation and the fact that he is dating other people still (or last I knew was). However, what I hate more is what the situation does to me and how I sometimes act with him. I try and be the same as I always have been: lovable, kind, sweet, fun and a little sassy (and a whole lot of sexy). At times, though, I feel myself pulling away a bit and getting quiet or distant. I’m suspicious of him and his feelings for me because of his need to see others right now.
I find it hard to trust in what we have even though I try as hard as possible to be so confident and OK with things. I tell people “I’m not worried because he’s not going to find anyone else as cool as I am, as fun as I am, intelligent and just overall gets along with him as well as I do.” I also don’t think he’ll ever find someone he has as much chemistry with, or who his parents will like as much. Unfortunately, I’m not really 100% on all of that. I mean, I’m at about 82%.
My feelings have started to get real. I’m not quite at the “I’m in love with you” stage but I think I’m definitely headed down that path. I find myself thinking very long term and envisioning things that could be with us. It’s been a ridiculously long time since that has happened with me. Athletic Trainer and I never had a shot at long term, so those thoughts never really came up. I could never imagine AT meeting my family or hanging out with my friends. Unofficial is a completely different story.
For some reason this is all kind of hitting me today. Well, last night while trying to sleep and today. And it’s really scary. REALLY. SCARY. I might need to pull back a little I think. Luckily, he has a very busy couple of weeks ahead so that might be the default with us anyway. I just… I feel myself getting pulled in deeper and deeper. There are always questions in my head about where he is with all of this and I know he’s not there yet. He cares about me a lot, I know that much. But I think I need to try and not see him much for the next little bit. Pull away from the texting and calling too. I’m finding myself on shaky ground here and I need some assurance from him and this is really the only way to get that right now. See how he responds to me not being so accessible. I hate games. I’m looking at this more like self preservation.
Ugh. All of the self doubt just kills me. It’s the feelings that are getting stronger that is really starting to freak me out at the moment. I mean, I knew it would probably happen, I guess I was hoping they wouldn’t come on until he had “gotten there.”
I’m gong to need a lot of strength to do this…
