Dad’s Anniversary… April 8, 2008
Today was the 19th anniversary of my Dad’s death. I had decided that I would go and visit his grave site. It had been about 15 years (at least) since I last visited. I knew the name of the cemetery and tried to get there on my own… which did not work…
Driving around the town was frustrating and I could not seem to understand why the cemetery was not next to the church. What the heck is that!? So, after getting myself in a tizzy, I called my aunt in NH to ask her where the cemetery is. The cemetery office wasn’t answering the phone so I needed her help. Well, she managed to direct me to A cemetery. Unfortunately, it was the wrong one. I only realized this after driving around it for like 10 minutes and thinking “This isn’t what I remember. Where is he?! This is such a shitty little cemetery!!” It was only after all of that when I was a sign with the name of the cemetery on it… completely wrong cemetery.
So now I’m in the throes of an all-out emotional breakdown. I call the cemetery office AGAIN and finally the man answers. I tell him that I’m trying to find the cemetery too see my Dad for the first time in many years and I don’t know how to get there or where he even is there… all in one breath while crying. He was very sweet, stayed on the phone with me while I found my way there and asked my Dad’s name and when he passed so he could look him up on the plot map. When I told him who I was trying to see, he said “I know your grandmother, and aunt and uncle… I don’t even need to look at the plot map I know right where he is.” I was slightly shocked, although I hardly should have been. My family lived in this particular town for a ridiculous number of years and was pretty well known by all in it. The nice man told me that he would wait for me to get to the cemetery and he would personally bring me up to my Dad’s site. When we got there, he shook my hand, introduced himself and gave me his business card in case I “need anything or want to discuss maintenance etc issues with the site.” It was nice of him.
I was in such a state by the time I finally got to the grave site that I did not expect to be more upset. However, it was one of those types of upset that creeps up on you and you’re suddenly bawling your eyes out and hyperventilating. I talked to him for a bit and put out the flowers I had bought for him. His site looked like the way I remember it and he is in a nice spot. It’s very sunny and on a hill and, well, nice. The cemetery is FAR better than the one I was lost in… haha.
I’ve decided that I will visit him more often, I promised him that. When I’m in Dorchester it won’t be a long drive… maybe 20 minutes, if that. I want to take care of the grounds and maybe get some permanent flowers there. He deserves as much. Additionally, it’s good for me to talk to him I think.
I’m very sad… but this happens. I’m not sure I ever fully dealt with his death and this is the beginning of getting past it. He would have been 50 this year. I realized that he was 30 when he passed and 22 when I was born. It scares me that I’m almost his age when he passed. I can feel the anxiety grow when I think about that, it takes a few minutes to go away but usually does so quickly.
I wasn’t there for all that long today. Maybe 10-20 minutes. I had to get to work and was concerned about my state of mind when I arrived, so I wanted to get there early. Thank God I did, I was definitely still out of it for a bit but recovered swiftly. It’s been a hard day. I am glad that I went though.
